Egg on face: no shortcuts here...

About ten years or so I was on an on-time flight from Alderney to Southampton. The pilot happened to be a lodger at Grannie's house and as I said 'Thanks, see you next time and all that British nonsense he pointed out that my face was covered in chocolate.

That chocolate had probably been hanging about the face area since breakfast and had remained resolutely there, stubbornly scaring people off. There are more than one or two things to point out, here. Dyspraxics have poor muscle sensors or whatever the technical term is. In practical terms, this means we don't feel anything and trousers, socks or legs. Food can be in places they are not to be and we won't feel strange. Point two is that this means food can hang about unhindered for hours and more hours.

I also felt annoyed that no one had bothered to save embarrassment and inform me of what would have been a straightforward problem to solve. But maybe this was simply expecting too much from The Noners (Non-Dyspraxics)? Maybe it is hard for those to understand or even appreciate what it is like to have a very slight issue? However, none of this makes it easier for us as we just want to pass through the day-to-day banalities of life, with minimal fuss.

Food and Dyspraxics have a very distinctly uneasy relationship with food, simply because it can leave us with often metaphorical and LITERAL eggs on our faces. There are things that we as a group can all do, to minimise the impact, not eliminate it. No one can ever eliminate the issues Dyspraxics's faces, but we can all learn stoicism and take some of the tension from the issues caused.

Mirrors are our friends, mirrors in loos, mirrors in corridors, mirrors in bedrooms, and mirrors in the kitchen. Look, observe, and react if there is food on the face get rid of it. Avoiding the mega temptation of trying to cut corners with us is not worth it, no matter how annoying they may be.

I have been having a long love affair with baby wipes and believe me I need them far more than they need these uncoordinated hands. Baby wipes are like the man bag, jacket or Velcro shows they are essential things in the Dyspraxic tool kit. Baby wipes allow us to move quickly through life and get on with you know, the good stuff.

Baby wipes do get raised eyebrows but why on earth should you care if people think you are odd for having them? Just take the daily hit of people trying to trip you up ( you won't need help for this!) and use them, and get to work, a football match, wedding, concert, or gallery.

I hate suits and whoever decided to invent black tie dinners should not be very proud of themselves because they make the world of food politics troublesome. Nonetheless, check the state of your suit constantly if you are forced to wear one of the awkward idiots. Food is like beach sand, it will get absolutely everywhere. Check, on your shoes look for the tell-tale signs of food on suit issue.

Although I believe that no one should be judged by the cover of the book that they belong to, the tragic fact is that everyone is always judged by looks. When eating in the school dining room, make the effort to clean your face in between mouthfuls as food will find a way to stick to your face. I know, I know those other smug people sitting across the table have no idea how lucky they are but just do it. The politics of food is ingrained in practically every society in the world.

There are many teenage times when I let the Dyspraxic side down and did not follow these rules and this led to people questioning not just my intelligence but somehow also my integrity. By not taking the time I somehow look sloppy, lazy, and disorganised. Stay ahead and get into the routine. I promise that it will help you, not necessarily in a busy school dining room on a wet November lunchtime but in the long run. Always think in the long term.

Messy food is best avoided when traveling, it won't do you any good. Instead, stick to relatively simple food that is far harder to make a mess of. Again it is all about being street smart and taking control of any given situation. Put yourself in the best possible position to flourish and it will all be fine. Messy food when traveling will produce incidents that no one needs and certainly doesn't want. Why not avoid them in the first place?

Sorry, this post has lacked any pizazz or humour but this blog has to do the dull stuff because most of the everyday is dull. Next, I want to focus on sport and exercise but for now, go and wipe all that egg off your face with a baby wipe...